What do I want to be?

I know plenty of women who have been all grown up for a pretty long time and are still asking themselves this question (yours truly included).  It is such a hard one to answer. What makes it more complicated is that, as a society, we attach so many gender stereotypes to our work.

Stanford professor Shelley Correll discusses in her talk regarding gender stereotypes and their influence on career aspirations how negative stereotypes affect whether we believe we are competent enough for specific careers. Feeling competent is key to developing aspirations to pursue goals. In other words, negative stereotypes cause us to feel as though we won't be competent in fields that tend to be male dominated, and therefore we limit ourselves from fully developing our true gifts and talents based on our gender.

One of the most male dominated career domains is in the STEM fields: science, technology, engineering and math. Ironically, Correll points out that negative stereotypes most heavily influence women who have high mathematical ability since that is the area of the brain most affected by stereotypes. So the suggestion is that girls and women with a gift in math are affected by stereotype threat, and they are not even aware of this affect.

Not only do stereotypes affect what we think we are capable of doing well, but they also affect our performance. Research has shown that merely suggesting to female test takers that the test produced gender differences caused female test takers to perform significantly worse. In another study, female math students who viewed television commercials that trivialized women prior to taking a math test performed worse. This again demonstrates the unconscious power that we give to stereotypes, even those that are subtle. BUT, before you become discouraged, let's look at some of the hopeful data.

The effects of stereotype threat are situational. That means that if we change the messaging that girls and women are receiving in a specific environment, the effects of stereotype threat disappear. For example, if a girl is in a math class where she is not concerned about being judged based upon her gender, she performs better. Or if she has a mentor that assures her that she is fully capable of tackling challenging work, the likelihood of her succeeding at that task increases. Finally, finding female role models in a particular field makes it much easier to envision your own success in that field.

The truth is that your intellectual abilities can and will be increased when you study and work to gain more experience. This is true of any domain, not just STEM fields. Don't allow gender stereotypes to limit your aspirations. Explore your strengths unencumbered by limited thinking. Your real and confident self will thank you when you are working in a field of your true choosing. I'll leave you with the words of Amy Poehler, one of my favorites:

GREAT PEOPLE DO THINGS BEFORE THEY'RE READY. THEY DO THINGS BEFORE thEY KNOW THEY CAN DO IT. DOING WHAT YOU'RE AFRAID OF, GETTING OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE, TAKING RISKS- THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS. YOU MIGHT BE REALLY GOOD. YOU MIGHT FIND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF THAT'S REALLY SPECIAL. AND IF YOU'RE NOT GOOD, WHO CARES? AT LEAST YOU TRIED SOMETHING. NOW YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

Power dynamics and learning to be assertive

Social gender norms emphasize that girls and women should defer to others and be nice. Even if we don't buy into that stereotype, most of us still really want to be nice. So isn't assertive communication counter to that? Let's dive into that myth.

The Mayo Clinic states that "Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others". Communicating assertively helps you to feel more confident and demonstrates self-respect. It also allows you to better understand the views of others. After all, how will you truly understand the other perspective if you cannot first engage in the conversation by assertively stating your own?

In her Ted Talk, Celeste Headlee discusses how to have better conversations with others. One of the most insightful things that she shares is her advice to approach every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. Coordinated management of meaning (CMM) communication theory asserts that we create our social reality by negotiating the meaning of the world around us through conversation. In order for us to learn and really make sense of the world around us, we have to be willing to state our truth and listen to the truth of others.

Speaking of negotiation, this is one arena in which assertive communication is essential. Negotiation is a part of everyday life. It is how we make sure that we meet our own needs. Many girls and women are very intimidated by the idea of having to negotiate. However,this is because we think of negotiation as adversarial rather than "nice". Margaret Neale, Professor of Management at the Stanford School of Business talks about negotiation as problem-solving. Assertively communicating our views allows for much needed solutions. Without those solutions, nobody wins!

When we approach life with a desire to learn and understand, it becomes richer. But to do that, we must start with honesty. We need to be true to our own beliefs, and express them openly, honestly and assertively. Make your voice heard. Build upon the work done by women before us who were brave and bold despite their fear and lack of power. Your real and confident self deserves to be heard.

Nonverbal communication: What are you saying without saying a word?

Ralph Waldo Emerson stated "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say". Our nonverbal behaviors can send strong messages.  Deborah Gruenfeld from the Stanford School of Business indicates that people decide if you are competent in less than a second based upon your body language, and what you say counts for only 7% of the message.

Nonverbal behavior such as nodding, smiling, tilting your head, leaning forward, or saying "uh huh" are intended to encourage the speaker. Women are socially trained to provide a lot of encouragement when others are speaking - more so than men. These behaviors can be helpful communication tools when used appropriately. However, when it comes to providing agreement with the speaker, be sure that you are authentic. Challenge that stereotype that you must defer to others to be liked.

Women also tend to take on less powerful body positions, which not only reduces self-confidence, it also sends a message of being powerless.  Research shows that taking up space can make a significant difference. Power posing helps us to appear and feel more confident. Try it!

Avoiding eye contact and displaying nervous behaviors such as playing with our hair or fidgeting convey lack of credibility. Being still and holding the gaze of others demonstrates confidence.

Studies on body language and micro expressions from the Center for Body Language show that leaders demonstrate fluent nonverbal abilities. Learning to be conscious of what to do and what not to do is key. Once conscious of these behaviors, we can adapt and change to convey messages appropriate for the situation, and also to interpret others more effectively to allow for adjustment.

Becoming fluent in nonverbal communication allows consistency between what we say and what we do.  Sometimes the skills that we have learned over a lifetime don't suit the situations that we are in, and we need to expand our nonverbal skills. Sometimes we need to display authority, and sometimes we need to demonstrate that we are approachable. We can make ourselves feel more comfortable, and help others to feel more comfortable around us. That is essential for the real and confident you.

Communication and Gender

There is a rumor going on out there that women talk more than men. It's not true. To the contrary, research shows that men and women use almost the same number of words per day. However, there are masculine and feminine styles of communicating. Let's talk about the differences.

Feminine speech tends to emphasize rapport and relationships. The goal is to share power evenly, and invite collaboration. Alternatively, masculine speech styles tend to make more confident statements with an authoritative and powerful air.

One of the most important things that girls women can do to boost their confidence level is to communicate with genuine confidence.  It seems backwards, but when we assume that we need to feel confident to act confident, we miss out on opportunities to grow. Jennifer Allyn gives some excellent advice on behaving in ways that actually boost your confidence little by little over time. She asserts that confidence is built from the outside in, and is something that we have control over. Most importantly, she notes that it all starts with how we communicate.

One of the ways that women diminish their confidence is by hedging their statements or adding disclaimers. We use words like "just", "I think", "sort of", etc., and we add questions to the end of our statements such as "Do you know what I mean?". We do this to appear humble and avoid sounding boastful. But the unintended consequence is that we diminish our credibility and damage our own confidence levels. Dr. Pat Heim is an expert on gender differences in the workplace, and she describes the feminine communication style as lacking in power, and filled with apologies.

Unfortunately, research shows that women face a double bind due to gender stereotypes. When they use masculine speech styles, they may be seen as non-confirming to their gender role and judged negatively.

The good news is that a Stanford study found that when women learn to balance masculine and feminine communication styles depending upon the situation, they were more successful. In fact, women with the ability to speak confidently - using both masculine and feminine speech traits - were found to have an advantage over men in the workplace. This is really encouraging, because it indicates that learning to behave confidently and gaining communication skills is more important than gender.

So be brave and work on building your confidence little by little. Learn about the anxiety that you feel when you communicate. If you are an introverted person, educate yourself on the value that you bring to the table, and know that you don't need to change how you feel to speak up. You just need to be bold and find moments to act confidently so that others can see the real you.

Gender in the Classroom

Research has shown that boys receive more attention in the classroom than girls. This is a demonstration of just how much gender plays into our thinking and behavior, even when we have the best of intentions. But what's even more distressing is something called the confidence gap.

Research suggests that even though girls tend on average to perform better in school in all subjects at all ages, they are more likely to lack confidence in their academic abilities. Boys are just the opposite.

Why is this happening? One theory is that it is directly related to how girls are socialized to please others.  And especially to please adults, which includes teachers. When girls experience challenges in school, they believe they are a disappointment and therefore they are less valuable. In contrast, boys see failure in a less general way - they just assume it is specific to that situation.

Even COO of Facebook Sheryl Sandberg talks about her struggle with this confidence gap throughout her life. Feeling like you are trying to avoid being revealed as not smart enough, talented enough, or qualified enough is called the imposter syndrome. Girls and women are notoriously afflicted. Nobel laureate Maya Angelou is quoted as saying "I have written eleven books, but each time I think, 'uh oh, they're going to find out now. I've run a game on everybody, and they're going to find me out.'"

So what can be done to help get past those awful thoughts so that you are not afraid to put yourself out there, speak up, and be a leader? First, acknowledge that these thoughts are not reality. You are not alone in feeling that way, and remind yourself of your value. Second, check out this awesome video by Amy Cuddy. Use the Wonder Woman pose! It works!!

Learn about how to combat your "inner critic" from Greta Thomas in this video. Realize that we don't have to believe our negative thoughts, or spend time ruminating on them. Challenge these thoughts every day.

Most of all, don't give up on yourself. Take a lesson from some of the amazing, smart, successful and inspirational women who have felt exactly the same way. Push past it those feelings, and be bold. The real and confident you believes you can do it.

Media Influence on Body Image

Growing up female is rough on body image. I began to question my body and weight in the sixth grade. Looking back now, the fact that I felt such pressure to look different at such a young age makes me incredibly sad. I compared myself to actresses, models, and every other girl walking the hallway of my school. I continued to struggle for years, battling an eating disorder through my teenage years. It was one of the darkest times of my life, and I would not wish that self-hate on anyone. The media and images of unrealistic body sizes for girls and women contribute significantly to these issues in our society, and it's critical that we scrutinize the messages that we are handed.

We need to be aware of just how much false imaging we are being bombarded with every day. Women's bodies are digitally altered to an extreme. When we browse online, walk past a billboard, or flip through a magazine in the waiting room, we are taking in these false images. We compare ourselves to these imaginary women without even thinking about it. We believe we are just ignoring all of the annoying advertisements, but we walk away feeling just a little less than we did before and sometimes we don't even know why. It's time that we not only wake up to the lies, but we reject them. The first step is awareness.

Take a look at Jean Kilbourne's video discussing this topic. She asserts that we must become media literate to really understand how these destructive messages are affecting our body image and self esteem. Research supports this approach, and Media Smarts is a great resource to arm yourself to reject the lies and form a more confident, realistic vision for yourself. One of the lessons that this resource teaches is that the messages are fueled by money. The marketers want us to feel dissatisfied with ourselves so that we will buy their products. Miss Representation is an incredible summary of this reality. I don't know about you, but I don't want my identity defined by a company looking to get me to give them my money.

Why does all of this really matter? It matters because little by little girls and women are sucked into believing that their value is wholly dependent upon their appearance. This lie not only makes us miserable, but it drains all of our energy. We have more to offer the world than that. We are unique, beautiful, lovable, and worthwhile regardless of how we look. When we forget that fact, we severely limit our self-confidence and  reroute our personal goals toward a dead-end path to nowhere. We can do so much better. Spend some time countering those messages. Take action to expose your mind to confidence building truth. The real and confident you deserves that boost.  

Who am I anyway?

By the time a girl reaches the age of three, she is already becoming keenly aware of what it means to be feminine in our society. The messages reinforcing gender stereotypes are sometimes blatant, but other times they are much more subtle. The media is one major source of these messages, but even loving families reinforce gender norms at times without realizing it. When we spend energy adjusting our behavior to fit into a stereotype, we lose our authenticity. And sometimes we lose our dreams.  This is true for everyone. hat this means for girls and women is that we unconsciously take on tremendous pressure to be someone less than our real selves. We aspire to be prettier. To be thinner. To be less bossy and opinionated. We try to be really nice.

The rules that we learn about femininity revolve around appearance and sensitivity toward others. While boys are rewarded for taking charge, being smart and assertive, girls are encouraged to be considerate, helpful and caring. While these are all good qualities, focusing solely on perceiving the needs of others stifles the ability to develop a strong identity of our own. We get so good at pleasing others, we forget to form our own opinions and challenge ourselves to expand our thinking. Or we are just afraid to express our thoughts confidently. We don't raise our hands with a question. We hedge our statements. This lack of confidence in our own identity and what we have to offer has tremendous consequences. It changes how we see our place in the world, who we trust, goals we set and what we aspire to achieve.  

The first step toward confidence in our identity and achieving worthwhile goals is to notice all of the gender bias messaging that we are absorbing. These messages are playing into our perceptions of who we should be, and detracting from our potential for authenticity. We need to develop a critical filter when we observe movies, commercials, friends, celebrities, etc. Please, please, please view Miss Representation. It will blow your mind. These sources cannot, and should not, have authority over our identity. Truly, there are no two people alike. It sounds corny, but it is unequivocally true. Social learning theory asserts that we observe and imitate what we see in others who we identify as similar to ourselves. However, the first step is to notice the behavior, and from there we can decide if it is truly consistent with our authentic identity. Accepting these messages is not inevitable. You can do better than that. Choose the real you. You can be confident about that.